


At the intersection of past and present

by EliotRosewater



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Epic Bromance, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliotRosewater/pseuds/EliotRosewater
Summary: He's not any of the things Steve calls him, but he likes the way it sounds and how sure Steve is when he tells Bucky that he is those things.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Comments: 10
Kudos: 18





	At the intersection of past and present

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written after the Civil War trailer was released. Originally posted 22 Feb 2016. It has undergone minor revisions.

"Buck," Steve says. He says, "Buck."

Buck is not his name, but he thinks he likes the way it sounds. He likes the way it sounds when Steve Rogers calls him Buck.

"Do you remember me?"

So he tells him. He tells Steve how much he remembers (how much he doesn't). _Buck_ tells Steve the scattered, insignificant details he remembers, but it's not enough. How do you explain the expressions without context? The exact pitch of a laugh that belongs to no one? The fingernails bitten down to the quick that live on the insides of your eyelids when you first wake up?

Saying them aloud makes him want to smile, almost.

 _Fancy meeting you here_ , a different person inside his head wants him to say. _What brings you to town?_

They free him, physically. And the freedom, it scares him. His bones ache. _Buck_ 's side is sore from holding the strong (heavy) arm in one position for so long. The backs of his knees make noises when he stands. He looks at Steve, and Steve looks at him.

The person within wants to say that the future is really goddamn weird.

"How's the arm?" says Steve.

"Which one?" says _Buck_.

"Ah uh, yeah, sorry about that." Steve mimes the action which had parted _Buck_ 's weak (natural) shoulder from its socket all that time ago.

"Sorry for shooting you," he says. _Sorry for hurting you everywhere._

"I'm fine," says Steve.

He's not, but _Buck_ likes thinking that he could be.

"Nice haircut," Steve says. (He says, "Nice haircut.")

The person within wants to ask why Steve didn't keep the uniform, but he doesn't know why.

Steve says, "You have to go" before _Buck_ can work up the courage to say that the future is really goddamn weird.

* * *

They fight with him, help him. Fight _for_ him. Again and again and again. It scares him. They run _with_ him and fight for him for a long time after that first time.

When he jumps and falls, the person within remembers being afraid of falling. The person within used to make him scream during free fall. He isn't afraid of falling anymore and neither is the person within.

 _Been there, done that_ , the person within says. ( _Been there, done that._ )

* * *

"Buck," Steve had said. He had called him Buck and Bucky and told him his name is James Buchanan Barnes. Steve calls him these names a lot, especially after everything.

He's not any of the things Steve calls him, but he likes the way it sounds. He likes how sure Steve is when he tells him that Buck still _is_ those things.

He doesn't ask who the hell Bucky is anymore, but he thinks it. The person within offers a lot of hints when he thinks about it really hard, even though it makes his head hot and itchy. _Buck_ wonders why Steve never calls him Winter or _Soldat_. He doesn't wonder who the hell Winter is, because Winter is like him. They both have cold hands.

* * *

Steve likes to run in the morning. _Buck_ is tired of running. He stays inside and waits for Steve to come back and pretends he does it by choice.

(They smile when he chooses certain things, and it's like Steve calling him Buck without having to say anything.)

(Steve doesn't smile when _Buck_ is tired and heavy, and his body makes him be still for too long. Steve doesn't smile when this happens but he says _Buck_ _Bucky hey pal_ a lot, and he likes the way it sounds even though it's too soft.)

* * *

"This is a crock of shit," says Steve.

Steve likes to watch documentaries and films about the Howling Commandos. He likes to watch these and be embarrassed about how he's depicted as an incorruptible hero-virgin (his words). Steve watches and says they never do Peggy any justice. He likes to call the films crocks of shit and complain.

The other person within _Buck_ thinks this is funny. The person within makes the body laugh at images on the screen and at Steve's commentary. He cannot say whether or not the films are crocks of shit. He cannot tell the difference between the films and the museum (which Steve does _not_ think is a crock of shit).

"I don't know," he says to Steve. "I think they got you just right."

Steve's face becomes dramatic and filled with (faux?) shock. The person within thinks Steve is going to call him traitor, but Steve will never do that, not even if it's a joke and _Buck_ knows it's a joke.

The person within is smiling, but the body resists.

"How dare you," Steve says. Mock drama. "They got everything wrong. And they keep calling Dum Dum 'Dum Dum.' Like they know him."

Steve goes on to tell him more reasons why this film in particular is a crock of shit.

 _Buck_ has seen a lot of films about the Howling Commandos by now, watched a lot of men pretending to be Sergeant James Barnes fall off of trains set in front of painted mountains. The person within thinks Steve watches these films to deliberately make himself miserable.

* * *

There are a lot of Steves in the world. There are a lot of Jameses. He supposes there are even a few Buckys. He decides he can be Bucky (and sometimes only _Buck_ ). Just a different one than he was before.

Steve smiles when he says this aloud and it's like sunburn.

* * *

"I want to remember more," he says to no one.

(He had never been by himself with a gun before.)

The person within says, _Up to you, pal._

Bucky has to liberate hints about himself without anyone's help. (The person within can be really useless sometimes.) The body goes still and he does as the person within suggests. It's easy to keep his eyes closed because the hints are hidden inside a very painful tangle of thorns inside his head.

When Steve comes home in wrinkled clothes and fading bruises, Bucky is still working on the thorns. Steve puts his bag and shield down.

"Bucky," Steve says. He says, "Hey, Buck?"

"Here," Bucky says because sometimes he is not.

Steve finds him on the couch and takes a step back. "Why didn't you call?" he says. ("Why didn't you call?")

His eyes feel like they're being sucked into his head. The tangle of thorns waves its vines, thorns embedding into his skull. Bucky says, "You said to call if I needed anything."

The person within tells him that he must look unwell. It's because he'd been wrestling with the thorns.

 _Steve won't want to hear about the thorns_ , the person within says.

"Have you slept at all? Have you eaten?" says Steve.

"Have I pissed myself?" he says with Bucky's smile. "I'm OK."

Steve does not look convinced. He looks suspicious. He looks like he knows about the thorns and _has_ known about the thorns for a long time. Steve drops a package into _Buck_ 's lap. "From Barton," he says.

It's from Barton. He likes Barton. They shoot rounds that don't hurt at things that can't _be_ hurt. He opens the package. _Make sure your dentures are in_ a note stuck on the top says. The rest of the package is filled with things Barton had told _Buck_ were "old people snacks" the last time they had been together.

(Barton likes to make _Buck_ laugh. _Buck_ appreciates it. Barton says he thinks there are several redeeming qualities which Russian assassins possess. Steve had frowned and _Buck_ had been grateful.)

He throws a Tootsie Roll at Steve's chest with his strong hand. He laughs. Steve catches the candy, unwraps it, and puts it in his mouth. _Buck_ puts a Bit-O-Honey on his tongue.

They think he doesn't eat enough. He thinks he chooses not to.

 _That's all for now_ , the person within says.

The tangle of thorns shivers.

* * *

Sometimes he goes away because Steve says he can do whatever he wants. Bucky goes away to a place called a dog park a lot. He didn't remember there ever being parks only for dogs, but he likes that they exist. Bucky goes to the dog park and sits on a bench outside the fence. The tangle of thorns relaxes when he watches the dogs that wander up to the fence and look at him.

Other times he sits on the top of a wooden picnic table inside the fence, boots on the seat. A big dog comes over with a ball dangling between its jaws. There are so many kinds of dogs in so many different sizes in the present. It's so goddamn weird.

(There is a fenced-off area for little dogs and baby dogs. The tiny dogs in sweaters start more fights than the big dogs. Bucky thinks of Steve when he looks at the fenced-off area and laughs every time.)

The dog spits out his ball and lies in Bucky's shadow. The person within lobs the memory of a big dog like this leaving dents in the plates of his strong arm out of the thorns. (It's easy to collect hints and clues when the vines are soft and ductile and not brittle. Problem is they're usually not.)

The dog gets up after a few minutes, ball in jaws, and puts its front paws on the bench. It drops the ball in Bucky's lap, sticky with saliva and mud. He doesn't mind. The dog sniffs his strong hand. Bucky lifts it so the dog can get a better smell. The dog wags its tail and bites his metal fingers. Bucky doesn't mind.

* * *

When Steve has to go away, he likes it when Bucky is there when he comes back. Bucky likes it when Steve comes back. Sometimes the person within says that Steve won't come back, not this time, and if he does, then he shouldn't. Those thoughts make the body feel tired and electrified at the same time. When the body acts like that, Steve doesn't smile when he comes back, so it doesn't feel like it does when Steve calls him _Buck_.

* * *

Steve goes away, and Bucky goes to the dog park and comes back. Steve won't be back for a lot longer. Books can sometimes make the tangle of thorns tingle and slap the inside of his head, so _Buck_ doesn't like reading all the time.

 _Like walking in a field of landmines_ , the person within says. _Almost always not worth it._

But the television is safe, usually, because the future is so weird and doesn't make a lot of sense. He likes that the future is weird sometimes and other times he really doesn't. Bucky watches people cook competitively—

 _Imagine having so much food that you make a game out of cooking it_ , the person within says.

—and when he gets dizzy watching that, he changes the channel and watches an old Dutch veterinarian deliver calves with metal chains and fix rotten horse hoofs.

It's night and the tangle of thorns feel like they're on fire, so he turns on the History Channel, which is a channel that Steve likes to complain about ("Ripping people off at a pawn shop isn't history!"). He watches two nerds buy old people's rusty junk and thinks that it isn't history even if the two nerds like to explain why they are so excited about the rusty junk. But _Buck_ can only watch a man get excited about oil cans for so long, and he changes the channel again.

A channel is playing one of Steve's favourite Howling Commandos films (to complain about). Bucky puts the remote control down, lies down on the couch, and looks at the film and the advertisements that live between the scenes. It's 0354 and the advertisements frequently tell him that a brand-new miniseries will be premiering on the same channel at 1900. Subject of first episode: Howling Commando Jim Morita.

 _Must be some kind of holiday_ , the person within thinks.

 _Buck_ thinks he might like to watch it and ask Steve later if it is a crock of shit. But the thorns lash like whips at the thought and he closes his eyes.

When he opens his eyes, the tangle of thorns is contracting and relaxing like breathing. The body is exhausted and the eyes are being sensitive losers. The television is still talking, and the sound seems louder than it actually is. Bucky listens to the television even though it's loud because it is still talking about the Howling Commandos, and Bucky likes to hear about the Howling Commandos even though he can't remember them, not really. Hearing about them isn't like being called _Buck_ by Steve Rogers. It's like going back to bed under blankets that are still warm from the last time you were under them even when you know you won't be able to fall asleep again.

(It's like holding a pair of shoes you wore as a child.)

He tries to spoil the brand-new program about Jim Morita by looking for memories in the tangle of thorns. But the person within is tired and the body is tired and the tangle keeps contracting when _Buck_ reaches his hand in.

At 1900, the series starts. The vines flail and the thorns stick to the sides of his head. The memory of Jim Morita falls out of the thorns and onto the rug beside _Buck_ 's spot on the couch. The memory talks all the way through the episode, offering corrections or amendments when the narrator and interviewees say something he doesn't agree with.

Jim Morita tells him a story about how he and James Barnes had escaped from the Germans in a horse-drawn carriage once, because he knows that Bucky can't remember and he knows that Bucky likes to hear about the Howling Commandos. Morita tells him that it had been hilarious because Barnes was afraid of the horses. _One of them kicked Bucky in the knee and he was still limping by the time they got back and Steve frowned and said what did you do this time, what have you done and Morita said it was no big deal, Barnes just sits in trees all day long anyway—_

The body is tired and can't stop its eyes from leaking.

The door opens at 2208, and Steve says, "Bucky?"

"Here," he says because he is.

Steve moves around the place and then sits on the end of the couch after Bucky curls his legs to make room. Steve is wearing nice clothes in dark colours.

"It's not a holiday," says _Buck_.

A re-run of the Jim Morita episode is playing. Steve doesn't call it a crock of shit and Bucky's eyes don't stop leaking.

* * *

He watches baseball with Steve, and the voices on the television say that the New York Mets are playing the Chicago Cubs. They say that this might be the year that the Cubs break their World Series title drought. _Buck_ laughs so hard he falls off the couch. Steve looks concerned.

"They haven't won since _before I was born_!" Bucky says and laughs until his face hurts and his cheeks feel stretched out.

It's nice to know that not everything has changed.

* * *

They visit a farm which belongs to Barton. Bucky didn't think Barton was a farm guy. Barton has kids. Romanoff (Romanova? Black Widow? Natalia?) is there. _Buck_ has fun.

The kids aren't afraid of him or his strong arm. They say it makes cute noises. The girl grabs onto his forearm and he raises his arm so that it makes a 180 degree angle with his shoulder. She dangles from it and laughs. She kicks her little legs, swinging. The body smiles.

He swings his strong arm and bends it. The girl holds on and is gleeful. It's as if she doesn't even notice how cold it is. He sets her down sooner rather than later, not trusting himself not to hurt her by accident. Not trusting his strong arm to send ice into her hands. (He is like Winter, after all.)

Romanoff drops off of her spider's silk and is holding his strong arm. "Me next," she says. Her hair isn't red.

The girl says, "Are you Auntie Nat's boyfriend?"

"Yes," _Buck_ tells the girl, "but don't tell Steve."

"Will he be jealous?" says the girl.

"Yes," says Romanoff, "jealous of me."

The dog walks by then, wagging its tail. Bucky crouches down to pet it with his weak hand. Barton says the dog eats pizza and is called Lucky. He is inclined to believe that the dog _does_ eat pizza because it fills the air around Bucky with sulphurous fumes. He doesn't mind and kisses the top of the dog's head because he wants to.

Romanoff stage-whispers to the girl, "He's already jealous of Lucky."

Bucky is asked if he wants to hold baby Nathaniel. He does, but he says no. He is like Winter.

Later, around a dying fire in the yard behind the house, Barton drinks from a brown bottle and says, "How ya doin', Grandpa?"

 _Buck_ drinks from a brown bottle of his own. He doesn't like the taste and the tangle of thorns doesn't relax, but he likes the weight of the bottle in his hand and the familiar motion of bringing it to his lips. "Your family is good," he says.

The hand that is not holding Barton's beer is resting on Lucky's back. "Yours is pretty good, too," says Barton. (He says, "Yours is pretty good, too.")

Lucky sighs and the air becomes perfumed with more than just smoke. Bucky laughs because it's funny, goddamn it.

* * *

The man that talks to ants and can shrink visits with his daughter. Bucky remembers him—

 _Scott Lang_ , says the person within. (The person within has been tired and quiet lately.)

—because he does not forget things anymore. He remembers how Lang had helped him when he was running and fought a lot. He remembers how he had been frightened of Lang. Bucky tells the little girl—

 _Cassie_ , the person within reminds him.

—that her father is a hero and a very good man. She laughs at him and says that she already knows. Cassie likes his strong arm just like Barton's kids did. He swings her around on it when she asks. She says it's cold.

"Why is there a star on it?" she says.

"So I didn't forget," he says and looks at her Captain America t-shirt.

Lang says, "I think he has it because it looks cool."

"I would have wanted a blue star," Cassie says.

 _I would have wanted wings_ , says the person within.

Cassie brought her new magic kit and performs illusions for them. Bucky claps and is genuinely entertained even though he knows how she does it. Before she and Lang leave, Cassie hugs him and says, "I hope you're feeling better every day."

Later, he and Steve watch a program about how things are manufactured (he likes that the program's title, _How It's Made_ , is exactly what the program is about). Steve calls him _Buck_ because Steve knows that Bucky needs to hear it.

* * *

The person within has been very quiet, and the tangle of thorns has grown bigger since the person within hasn't been there to prune it back. The body is sad and gets tired quickly but it doesn't like to sleep. Bucky lays on hard flat surfaces and tries not to groan most of the days.

Steve has to go away, and he takes Wilson with him. They both leave in suits, so he knows that it is serious. Barton and Romanoff turn up to watch Bucky. They didn't bring Lucky. He groans and lays on a flat surface.

Romanoff sits on his back and her weight makes the body relax. She sings a song in Russian, and he remembers the words somehow. When she sings, he thinks it isn't like when Steve calls him _Buck_. He thinks it's like finding a toy you treasured when you were young and easily made happy.

"Better?" she asks. (She asks, "Better?")

He makes a noise in his throat because he is scared of her.

Barton says, "Let's watch a movie, mhm?"

Bucky says, "OK," and waits for Romanoff to get off his back before he pushes himself up off the flat surface which happens to be the kitchen floor.

Barton gives him a box of malted milk balls and says that old people love things that are malted. They don't taste like anything he remembers, but nothing tastes like he remembers except snow. The body is still tired and the tangle of thorns is almost too large for his head, and he feels the little spikes poking him always. He eats the candy Barton gives him. It makes Barton feel better, and he wonders why. They watch an animated movie about a fox and a hunting dog that become friends and then unbecome friends, even though they still care about each other.

(It reminds him of HYDRA but he doesn't know why and he doesn't say it out loud.)

Romanoff makes chicken Kiev. It's good, but Bucky misses how taste used to be something he didn't have to acknowledge. He doesn't finish, and Romanoff and Barton look at him with downturned eyes and it doesn't feel like it does when Steve calls him _Buck_. It feels like dropping an egg. It feels like it does when you tell someone "we have to hang out more often" even when you know you won't.

 _It feels like guilt_ , the person within whispers and then starts crying.

Barton holds his strong hand and guides him back to the couch so they can watch a movie about an ogre. The ogre saves a princess who is under a curse. In the end, the ogre convinces the princess that she is better off as what the curse turned her into and not what she was to begin with. The body's eyes leak and he wonders why he finds sadness in things meant to be happy.

Barton shifts on the couch and communicates silently with Romanoff in the way that all the Sergeant Barnes characters and Captain America characters do in the films Steve likes to call crocks of shit. He hears Romanoff murmur "I think you better come home" into the speaker of a phone.

Bucky feels like he just dropped a thousand million eggs.

Steve comes home and calls him _Buck_. He says _Buck Bucky hey pal_ a lot. Every time Steve says it, Bucky hates the way it sounds. He is surrounded by cracked shells and broken yolks.

Steve squeezes the part of Bucky's shoulder where flesh becomes metal, where Steve knows it aches the most. He says, "Help me out here, pal, please. Tell me what's going on in there."

Bucky throws up a single sob because it's like being punched. It's like giving someone a card and them giving you a real gift. He is scared and he is sad and there is no more room in his head because it's all just vines and thorns now.

* * *

He doesn't sleep a lot, but neither does Steve. The body gives up on unconsciousness, and he chooses to go to the kitchen and drink something hot. He knows how to make a lot of things because he watches people cook competitively a lot even though it makes him dizzy sometimes. He puts whipped topping on top of his chocolate drink. He grates a chunk of chocolate (which he had chosen to buy) with a micro-plane (which he had also chosen).

He takes the hot ceramic mug to the dining table no one ever sits at. Except Steve is sitting at the table now looking like he has just seen a ghost that was not him.

"Hey," says Bucky.

"Hey," says Steve.

"I made this for you," says _Buck._ He puts the chocolate drink in front of Steve because Steve deserves it and Bucky does not.

* * *

The miniseries that had played the episode about Jim Morita is over, but the channel is replaying the series in its entirety today. Bucky watches all seven episodes in a row. Steve watches with him. No one else falls out of the thorns the way Jim Morita did on the anniversary of his death. Bucky tells Steve all the corrections he remembers Morita telling him. Steve likes to hear it and his face is like sleeping in your own bed for the first time after a long time away.

"I was kicked by a horse," Bucky says when the episode about James Barnes is beginning. (Bucky says, "I was kicked by a horse.")

Steve laughs and laughs and laughs. "You were insufferable for days afterwards, Buck. _Insufferable_."

Bucky laughs because he likes the way it sounds when Steve laughs.

 _I'm insufferable now_ , the person within says.

His sisters are interviewed in the episode about him. They are older than he could have ever imagined them. Their voices are like gravel and they call him names and smile in their interviews. Their voices change when the episode comes to the part where James Barnes died, but they still call him names and look happy in a sad way. If anyone should get to keep rose-coloured memories of James Barnes, Bucky thinks it should be his sisters.

He wishes he could talk to them or that the thorns would let one of them out of the tangle.

On the television, his sisters are walking between stones, allowing cameras to record them visiting a memorial of him in Arlington National Cemetery.

"He didn't want to go to war, you know," one of his wrinkly sisters is saying on the television. "He never said, but we all knew it, even Ma. Pearl Harbor came, and it was something Bucky had to do."

"Don't think Pop was ever right after it happened though," says the other sister.

(The third sister had died before she could be interviewed. They showed older footage of her speaking in the episode, previously released material.)

The first sister nods her head. "He and Ma got different after they told us about him being captured. We went to London in '43 because of Steve and his award for saving those men, and we were listed as his family. We got to see Bucky—it was the last time we got to see Bucky."

"Pop didn't come to London," says the second one. The second one says, "He didn't want to."

The first one nods her head.

Bucky says, "I took 'em dancing." He smiles with leaky eyes at Steve. "When they came to London, I took them dancing. They played Vera Lynn and I danced with my sisters and my ma."

 _I'm insufferable now,_ says the person within, _but I'm working on it._

Steve nods at him and it's like someone calling you their best friend.


End file.
